Hold My Hand to The End of Infertility Highway

My hands felt clammy and fidgety. I laid on the exam table, legs in the stirrups. I was thinking about how funny I looked wearing dress socks with a paper blanket on my lap and nothing else. My brain had been playing these games for days. Think about anything else...

We faked at small talk for a moment while waiting for the ultrasound screen to announce the results. Do we still have a living baby? Although my conscious had been actively ignoring less than perfect thoughts, I knew my subconscious was screaming in fear. 9 weeks, this is where things went badly last time. My dreams the night before left me checking my teeth in the morning. My anxiety dreams commonly showcase my teeth crumbling and falling out. 

I feel Chris' hand grasp mine, I'm not sure if he is reassuring me or getting ready to protect me, but I hold on tightly. Having his hand in mine calms me. I think about how every step of the way, he has held me, loved me through this. I know I can make it, as long as we have each other.

The black screen starts to show an image....suddenly the image flips around like fish flopping on the line. Movement! Our baby was moving, seemingly turning towards us to say "hello." Soon we captured the rhythmic sound of a heartbeat like waves crashing against the shore, a beat of the new song we will dance to as a family of four. With a perfect report from the doctor, a shiny new due date, and a bright future ahead we celebrate an end and a new beginning and welcome you in rejoicing with us.

 Three more weeks of needles and syringes, the last vestiges of our walk along Infertility Highway. Along the way we met so many on the journey as well, we gathered supporters on the sidelines cheering us on, crying for us and with us. Thank you so much to those cheerleaders. We love you.

 We will not have to walk this road again for ourselves. However, these bumps and turns and ruts are so familiar, so much a part of our lives and what has shaped who we are. I will gladly walk the road holding the hands of another woman, another man, who are on it and feeling alone. Please reach for this hand if you need it. (Click here to read the last blog post).

Isaiah 41:13

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.