Is it one or two?

When I was a child I had strange urges to do 'risky' things. I jumped into Lake Tahoe fully clothed a number of times, much to my father's dismay as it required him to jump in and save me. I discovered I liked the thrill of doing these things. One obsession I had was 9 volt batteries and the shock they gave my tongue when I pressed it to the end of the charge. I would hold the battery, knowing what it would do to me, hesitant to experience it, but simultaneously anxious for the adrenaline driven decision to just do it!

I felt the same way heading into the doctor's office for our seven week ultrasound. My thoughts splintered into fractions. Part of me was excited at the prospect of finally knowing Will it be one or two? Another part of me was relentlessly scared. I was worried if I was really still pregnant. Would there even be a heartbeat? The joy and excitement that ultrasounds used to hold for me has been stripped away with the past grief, but I knew we just had to do it to find out what our future held in store for us. The idea of twins had grown fondly between Chris and I. We anxiously hoped the Lord would grant us with whatever blessings he could.

Going into the room, my confident facade was stripped down with my clothing. I held Chris' hand as the nurse practitioner asked me questions about how I've been feeling. No throwing up, not much nausea, but a couple of gag reflexes....I've been so worried about the lack of these symptoms. Worried it meant there was nothing really there.
My concerns were assuaged immediately when we saw the flicker of white among the pixelated image appearing on the screen. A heartbeat. Just one. But it was there, and it was strong.
Happiness and disappointment intermingled before being overcome by relief.

I still have a pregnancy. I have one beautiful heartbeat. For today I can release the worry. I have 2 weeks until the next peek inside. The nine week ultrasound is where things went south last time, so these two weeks will be difficult and slow. Many women have expressed to me about how the joy of pregnancy is stolen after miscarriage. The whole duration is wrought with fear and anxiety that at any moment things can go wrong. I didn't quite understand until now. I hope I won't have my tongue applied to the end of a 9 volt for this entire pregnancy. I don't want a thrilling ride, or the shock of frigid water to my system. I want a nice, calm, no need for adrenaline, sit on the front porch and watch the world kind of pregnancy.
(Click here to read the last blog).

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. -Psalm 112:7

Carnival of Life

Cotton candy and kettle corn permeates the air. The shrill shrieks of children all around, frolicking in the fun. Families everywhere enjoying this carnival of life.

My family, fresh off the loop de loop, still feeling rattled like a rock thrown in a coffee can and kicked down the hill, now stands in front of the fun house. The past six months we have survived an intense round of fertility treatment,s, a Frozen Embryo Transfer, which led to a pregnancy, but was followed by a tragic miscarriage. We endured two surgeries this summer, and just completed another double embryo transfer. Our last two Ice Ice Babies 

Holding hands, as we face this crazy house, we see two entrance doors, each heading upwards. Each with its own fun and own scares.

Through one side we will encounter a funny mirror that stretches my body out, makes me gaunt....long in the face. We may walk through those halls just the three of us, and never any more. However....through the other door will be a mirror that distorts horizontally. It's farther away. As we approach it my body will widen, and expand. My cheeks will be thick...my smile will stretch from one ear to the other. This hallway will grow our family in number. Which of these mirrors will we look through? Which entrance shall we walk towards?

As you know, we've just been on the last roller coaster ride available (see my last post here). We've used up all of those little green tickets from the carnival box at the gate. I know for others it feels like a 'just happened' event. For us the weeks have felt like a Stretch Armstrong time machine.

Suddenly, a bright red clown phone rings on the porch. It is incessant. The "brrrr-ring" is exciting. It is scary. I find my hand on the receiver. By all appearances it is steady and my voice is collected. The words from the nurse on the other end tells us which door to take. Chris and I look at each other. He leans down to pick up Noah, and adjusts him on his hip. I open the door, and as a family we walk towards the mirror.

The mirror shows good news for our future. 

Join us in celebration and in prayer for the miracle that God has worked in our lives. We give the glory of creating this child to him, and pray that he will let us see this little one grow for a long, long time. 

Psalm 113:9     

 He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!

Psalm 139:13-16

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.