To the man whose wife just pushed out his child from a ten centimeter hole in her body....(or underwent a massive surgical procedure!)

Having just delivered my second baby, I've been privy to many "mama talks and baby walks" with other moms, veteran or new. Stuff is shared. So men listen up, this is a compilation of dos and don'ts I've gathered from these conversations, that hopefully will help you along this hormone induced, sleep deprived, awesome journey you are on together.

1. Don't push the sex. After giving birth, the nether regions hurt for a while. Especially if any stitches were required. The thought of just taking the first shit after having a baby scares a woman...well, shitless. Although the doctor will usually give the thumbs up at six weeks post parteum, wait for the thumbs up from her. And don't give her any crap about it if she isn't ready. It's like being a virgin again. It's scary to think about, worrisome about the pain, and by all means the fear of pregnancy could be an issue. Most breastfeeding mamas don't want to go on birthcontrol due to milk supply issues. So DO be willing to wrap it up if she asks. 

2. DO notice if she's flirting, or giving any little advance in that way. If she's ready, she may be trying to get your attention. A woman may feel very unsure about herself and her body, so show your appreciation for it. Give compliments. Tell her she's beautiful. Make her feel sexy and wanted, and by all means if she initiates intimacy, do something about it. If you are nervous about having sex again, that's cool, but even if it's just a quick make out sesh, notice and respond. 

3. DO go out in the evenings after kid(s) are put to bed. Do meet the guys for a beer. Do get some time away. However, be sure to offer the same (equal) time to her. Yes that means you may have to bottle feed the baby, stay up late, rocking precious to sleep....etc. If you deserve time away, then so does she. That includes the sleeping in component, if you normally sleep in a bit after a night out, and she gets up with the baby in the morning...then if she has a late night, you let her sleep in too.

4. DO pitch in more at home. Do the dishes, vacuum, make some meals, do some laundry (not just your own...)

She's working round the clock and it's exhausting. 

5. DON'T ignore the baby when it starts crying for a few minutes in hopes that she will take care of it. It's your kid too! Pick them up, change a diaper, hold them...

6. DO find your own way of doing things that works for you. DON'T criticize her....when you say "hey watch his head," when she's holding him,  what she really wants to respond with is "Look here you jackass, I take care of this kid 24/7 while simultaneously running a household...oh ya, and the toddler too. Don't tell me how to hold this kid while I'm also trying to pour a sippy of milk, while cooking dinner." However, this goes both ways. Ladies, DON'T critique him for not doing things your way. Believe it or not, sometimes their way works too...or even better.

7. DO laugh and crack jokes. Sometimes things just get surreal. When yellow, runny, breast milk shit squirts like a rainbow arching through the air and lands on your partner while you are changing a diaper. Freaking laugh about it, otherwise you won't survive parenting very long. 

8. DO help in any way possible for her to get sleep. Sometimes that's being creative....with our first child my husband helped out by letting me go to bed as early as I could. Then he took the first shift. This time around he takes over the toddler who wants to climb in bed and has nightmares, and on his days off he makes sure I get to nap. Figure out what works for your situation, but be willing to sacrifice some of your sleep too. 

9. DON'T get pissy if she sits down to feed the baby, or pump milk, and then asks you to get her things, like water, or her phone, or a burp cloth....nursing/pumping is hard freaking work. It's exhausting. It's constant. She's not trying to treat you like a maid. It's just hard to remember everything when you are tired and the baby is screaming....and we are sure you aren't trying to treat her like a cow. Take care of her so she can take care of the baby.

10. DO buy her some kind of "push present." Not a 10 carat diamond, Beyoncé style...but get your baby mama a gift. Shoot Prince Charles gave Kate a Teddy bear. It doesn't have to be crazy, just thoughtful.

11. DO remember to take care of your marriage/relationship. It's easy to just focus on the kids, but you don't want to find yourself one day feeling like you have nothing together besides the kids. So, go out on dates, enjoy each other, remember what you have that's special. One day the kids will be grown and you'll only have each other. 

The Pole Vault: Standing by Your Partner

When I was a freshmen high school girl, I used to watch this senior boy during practice on the track and field. He was a pole vaulter. If you've never seen a person in real life,  not on TV while watching the Olympics, but in person, pole vault, it is truly a tremendous thing to see. Even the task of running at full speed down the laid out path, while holding a plastic pole three times your height strikes awe. The leg muscles bunch, and contract, lines form in the upper arms and forearms showing the strength of tendons. Then the pole touches ground, and seemingly in slow motion, his body would gracefully arch through the air. Legs, where the strongest muscles lie, leading first. He would be upside down for a second, then the rest of his body, twisting, would follow, head now above the rest, here comes the landing. A perfect vault would end with the measurement bar untouched, the pole softly hitting ground and the athlete landing softly on his back.

Little did I know, I would watch this boy turn to man, I would watch him over and over again, jump the highest of bars in life. I would see him use nothing but the strength of his own self to get over problem after problem, jump higher bars and higher bars. The thing about pole vaulting though....you fall many times. You knock over the hurdle. Sometimes you don't run fast enough to get the momentum to fling yourself over. Sometimes your body, your muscles are exhausted and the strength to pull yourself isn't there.

I'm on the sidelines. Watching. Fingers folded under my chin, I hold my breath as he attempts again. I will cheer him, no matter what. I am after all a cheerleader. I clap, cup my hands around my mouth and shout a positive accolade. "You can do it!" I exclaim.

Now as his wife, his life partner for the past 14 years, I have to remind myself....I can't get over that bar. I can't get him over it either. I can only encourage and support from over here.

When we married, we stood at the alter, we promised each other "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health." We've had plenty of the better and the health. It's easy during times like that. We've had plenty of the worse and sickness, too. Making it through infertility, was a challenge. It was hard. We both held onto the pole together, combining our strength, and having to time it just perfectly for us both to fling our legs over at the same time. We never would have gotten over it without both working together, it was a team effort. I will admit, his strength, his muscles did lots of work, but it was my determination, refusal to not give up, my ambition that kept it going until the task was accomplished.

I fear I've worn him out. I've taxed the muscles too much. We spent so long focusing on the one hurdle, the highest challenge, that we lost sight of the rest.

Now here we are, we have two beautiful children. Our time and energy has been focused on them. Our prize for the hard work. This mother, who used to be a cheerleader for just her man, now has a whole team. The weakest players are getting all her attention.

The raising of children does this to many partners in life. But as we shared in our vows the word of God, "I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body to be burned- but if I have no love, this does me no good. Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud, love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record  of wrongs. Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal." (1 Corinthians 13: 3-8)

Now we stand, we have another vault to make. You are older, your muscles not as spritely, your burden heavier. There has been some pride, some selfishness, some irritability, records of wrong doings have been hoarded inside. But it's time now, as we face the vault, we stand side by side. You holding the pole. The run looks long, the task looks too tall. We are weary. We know we have fallen plenty of times already. I'm going to let you run towards the bar, I'm going to stand here and watch. I'm going to cheer you on, I have faith, I have patience.