Ice Ice Baby

Ice Ice Baby

All right stop, Collaborate and listen Ice is back with my brand new invention Something grabs a hold of me tightly Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know 

It takes a lot of stopping, and listening, and collaboration to make a baby. Especially the way we have to make babies. This adventure requires family members, friends, bosses, co-workers, medical professionals....and of course the potential momma and daddy to all be in cahoots. To collaborate. To support. I thank you. Noah's Grandma for taking care of him through all these procedures, my bosses, Chris' boss...being flexible and understanding. The messages, texts, the offers of help, and the words of support. Not to mention the organization of my clinic Nevada Center for Reproductive Medicine to provide the best care. I thank you all, I'm so appreciative of you. 

I remember walking through a park, talking with another woman who happens to be "Part of My World" (click to read). Struggling with the secrecy of this 'deep dark secret' of infertility, she asked me, "How can you be so open about this?"
I learned many years ago, this can eat you alive. It festers like a nasty tumor, it starts in your heart and turns your insides hard and bitter. Frustration, anger, jealousy. It makes your beauty turn into a beast. When I started sharing, at first just with family and close friends, it allowed people to give me grace. It developed empathy in their hearts. It gave me the safety net, so when I had to jump out the burning building of my insides, someone caught me. People care. They want to help, but they can't protect you and comfort you if they don't know that you need it. That's why I share. It's educational for those who have no idea this world exists. It's a self-preservation technique. I no longer had to make up excuses for not attending baby showers. It's providing me with a group of cheerleaders. Most importantly I'm connecting with so many others who can relate...when I share, they don't have to. They can connect privately and know they aren't alone. 

        Today we transferred our Ice Ice Babies. Having been frozen for over three years now, the last of our embryos, it's time to go Encino Man here and let them into the world. The past 6 months has been a complete roller coaster ride....Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know. 

     But Something grabs a hold of me tightly. My friends, my family, the people in my life are wrapping their arms around me in support, they are stopping to listen. I love them for it.

Our Ice Ice Babies survived the thaw beautifully. They both recovered 90% of their cells and both continued to multiply and divide, and progress. One of them has even begun "hatching" from it's shell, the cytotrophoblastic shell, so it is ready to nestle in. We transferred both, and have been given a 75% chance of a positive pregnancy test. I am now on bed rest for the next three days, which puts a lot of pressure on Chris. Thank you honey. Please continue to pray, to support, and encourage us. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Part of Your World

One month's worth medication and supplies for Frozen Embryo Transfer

Look at this stuff. Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you say I'm a girl,
A girl who has, everything? 

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty. I've got whozits and whatzits galore.
You want thingamabobs? I've got TWENTY!

I'm trying so very hard to be positive. I used to get so excited before we would start a new cycle. The chance to create life was right around the corner. But to be frankly honest....I'm scared now and cautious. I'm tired and feeling a bit drained with the process and the procedure. We've had a lot going on lately,  (click here to see what) and the past two operating room visits have left me feeling a bit, well, stuck "Under the Sea."

However, I'm still swimming and flipping my fins! We started another frozen embryo transfer cycle this month. My arms are collecting the tell tale "track marks" of constant blood work and my tooshie is feeling like a pincushion already. The amount of medication that has to be injected into your body in order to prepare the perfect "growing soil" and to prevent your body from rejecting the embryos as a foreign object is insane. These pictures show my medication and supplies for just one month. We start small with Estrogen shots every Tuesday and Friday, next week we will add in Progesterone in oil injections. It is literally oil, it acts as the medium to let your body soak in the hormones. Sesame oil to be exact. It is thick and the needles are big. Imagine putting peanut butter in the fridge and then trying to push it through a straw. That feeling in your arm after you get the flu shot, or a tetanus shot? Yeah. Just like that. In your butt. Every. Single. Day. For 12 weeks. This becomes such a part of our life's routine. We brush teeth, then we get the syringes ready, Chris has learned how to be an expert needle poker. He knows where it hurts the least, how much skin to pinch and how fast to push the plunger to get it over with, but not do damage. Noah watches mommy get her shot then the cutie, pulls down his jammies and asks Daddy, "Wanah's Turn. Shot, too." Daddy proceeds to "give Noah a shot too."

The purpose of estrogen is to help the uterus build a nice thick lining for the embryo to implant in. I had an ultrasound last week that declared my lining looking good. The progesterone is meant to sustain an embryo and a pregnancy. In a natural pregnancy, a woman will grow one egg in a follicle on one of her ovaries. That egg with burst from the follicle, and the corpus luteum (the follicle that housed the egg) will start producing progesterone in preparation for a potential pregnancy. The progesterone is what makes a woman get cranky, and weepy, and sore engorged boobies before her period. Those who experience PreMenstrual Symptoms (PMS) and their partners know how much fun this is. In a frozen embryo transfer the egg has already burst and been fertilized in the lab and then cryopreserved. Therefore there is no ovulation, no corpus luteum to produce progesterone in my body. The estrogen prevents the ovary from even trying to grow an egg. What this means though is my body has NO CLUE that it is about to become pregnant (hopefully). It will not produce enough progesterone on its own. So we have to manufacture this response with injectable progesterone, and suppository progesterone. PMS on steroids basically. It is not a fun time. I do my best to maintain composure. I try my darndest to curb the emotions. It is incredibly difficult.

I saw a woman at the grocery store the other day. She was complaining that she couldn't drink at the party because she is pregnant, she went on to gripe about her feet swelling, and her nausea. I used to see other women who get pregnant so easily and the jealousy would be a battle I would have to deal with. I would think "What would I give to be Part of  your world?" The world of easy conception, of easy pregnancies, of less financial strain, and emotional strain, and physical strain. I can tell now how these experiences and the journey we've been on has helped me grow as a human being. I'm not a jealous creature any more. I am much more grateful. I think I am a much better mom to Noah because of our hurdles, than I would have been before jumping them. I think I appreciate the trials of motherhood, and although it is hard at times....I cherish the moments. The good ones and the bad ones. Parenting is hard work. A toddler can be difficult.The lack of sleep is draining. Not once have I ever felt like this was harder than the struggles we went through to get this child. So although going through another procedure and treatment cycle sucks....I know how worth it this is. I have proof positive of the rewards it will bring...and you know what? I don't ever want to be a part of a world that doesn't understand how miraculous it is to have a child screaming his head off because he wanted the blue cup, not the green one. 

I think I'll stay in this part of my world. 

Romans 5: 3-5. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.