Is it one or two?

When I was a child I had strange urges to do 'risky' things. I jumped into Lake Tahoe fully clothed a number of times, much to my father's dismay as it required him to jump in and save me. I discovered I liked the thrill of doing these things. One obsession I had was 9 volt batteries and the shock they gave my tongue when I pressed it to the end of the charge. I would hold the battery, knowing what it would do to me, hesitant to experience it, but simultaneously anxious for the adrenaline driven decision to just do it!

I felt the same way heading into the doctor's office for our seven week ultrasound. My thoughts splintered into fractions. Part of me was excited at the prospect of finally knowing Will it be one or two? Another part of me was relentlessly scared. I was worried if I was really still pregnant. Would there even be a heartbeat? The joy and excitement that ultrasounds used to hold for me has been stripped away with the past grief, but I knew we just had to do it to find out what our future held in store for us. The idea of twins had grown fondly between Chris and I. We anxiously hoped the Lord would grant us with whatever blessings he could.

Going into the room, my confident facade was stripped down with my clothing. I held Chris' hand as the nurse practitioner asked me questions about how I've been feeling. No throwing up, not much nausea, but a couple of gag reflexes....I've been so worried about the lack of these symptoms. Worried it meant there was nothing really there.
My concerns were assuaged immediately when we saw the flicker of white among the pixelated image appearing on the screen. A heartbeat. Just one. But it was there, and it was strong.
Happiness and disappointment intermingled before being overcome by relief.

I still have a pregnancy. I have one beautiful heartbeat. For today I can release the worry. I have 2 weeks until the next peek inside. The nine week ultrasound is where things went south last time, so these two weeks will be difficult and slow. Many women have expressed to me about how the joy of pregnancy is stolen after miscarriage. The whole duration is wrought with fear and anxiety that at any moment things can go wrong. I didn't quite understand until now. I hope I won't have my tongue applied to the end of a 9 volt for this entire pregnancy. I don't want a thrilling ride, or the shock of frigid water to my system. I want a nice, calm, no need for adrenaline, sit on the front porch and watch the world kind of pregnancy.
(Click here to read the last blog).

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. -Psalm 112:7