Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Infertility Hell Under the Rug: A Miracle That Saved Me



As I deal with the emotions I struggle with each day, I try to flashback to 3 years ago before my first miracle to remind myself of before. The picture in the words below show me in my most vulnerable state. The bitterness, the anger, and pain a woman feels in this situation is often hidden under her rug. Swept away when company comes, it is embarrassing to that woman. Please give her grace.



 I crumpled to the bathroom floor. Eyes streaming…unbelieving. I stared at that damn stick, showing only one pink line. Again. I hated these sticks. The whole process of using them. Anxiously carting myself to WalMart, perusing the brands, Maybe E.P.T this time…but First Response is cheaper, and I can get three sticks in one box…Seeing the mother of three dragging her children past the toy aisle. Eyeing the teenage girl, belly protruding from under a shirt with “Hello Kitty” splashed across the front. Shooting daggers at the employee on her cigarette break as she scratches her blue-clad baby bump. Watching the family clicking through the tiled produce section obviously wearing their Sunday best from church….one quick errand before heading home from the service.

Church. I hated that process now too. “Let’s turn to the congregation for prayer requests…” What am I supposed to say? It’s not like raising my hand and asking, “Please pray for my cousin in Afghanistan” or “My uncle goes for another scan this week, pray the cancer is gone.” Those are the kinds of prayer requests that are accepted and expected. I can’t say, “Pray for me. The damn stick was negative for the 48th month in a row. I’m a jealous creature who hates other women who are ripe with child. In fact, I’m desperate and angry. So angry with God, that I think I hate him too.” I can’t say that. Those old women would “tsk, tsk, tsk” look at me bewildered. Confused….Did she just say she hated God?

Chris and I had been trying for years. We had undergone multiple treatments. Wiped out our savings account…several times. Had surgery. Had garage sales….what else do we have that we can sell? We had prayed. Attended church, politely asked for prayers from others. None of it worked. I was to the point that I couldn’t speak about God without the sarcasm slipping into my voice. Why had he done this to me? Why did he create me, a soul who loved children, became a teacher even, then refuse to give me my own child? What did I do to deserve this? Is it because we had premarital sex? Is this my punishment? Forgive me!

This month was the last shot. The 9th intrauterine insemination. The doctor had informed us the only other option was Invitro Fertilization. $15,000. We had nothing left. No choices. No money. No patience. No hope. No faith. Only pain and tears and resentment.God had sure showed me. He stripped me down. He humbled me. He forced me to turn to him. I couldn’t turn to the bank account, I couldn’t turn to the doctor, I couldn’t just work harder, get a moonlight job, sell more trivial junk from the garage. I had no choice but him.

I begged. On that bathroom floor, I poured out my heart. I asked for forgiveness. For mercy. For help. For healing.

Soon after I was directed (by whom? God?) to a website that I hadn’t come across yet in my addictive midnight googling for answers. A brand-new charity called BabyQuest, was offering up grants to help pay for treatments. It was a long shot…but hey, we tried everything else. Chris and I put together an application and mailed it off. Waited, checked emails…prayed.

The day we heard from Pam at BabyQuest, was the day I knew God hadn’t abandoned me. This was going to be done His way. BabyQuest was a prayer answered. A mother of two girls who struggled to create their children, woke up one morning thinking how unacceptable it was that fertility treatments were a solution only for those who could pay up. She launched BabyQuest, and we were her first chosen couple. With her help we scheduled the big tamale. We underwent IVF. We allowed God to just guide us.

Now, I sit here on the couch, computer on my lap, trying to finish this story, eat, and fold this basket of laundry before my son, Noah, wakes from his nap.


Did BabyQuest make this happen? Or did God? Did He lead Pam to start this charity? Did he humble me, and guide me to find BabyQuest? We will never know what happened behind the scenes. But I do know that I am healed. I am a mother, and I am happy. My faith is paramount to what it was, and I am ever grateful. BabyQuest Foundation was a gift to us from God, and my answered prayers.



Stay tuned for my next blog post on more information about Baby Quest, and tips for being chosen as a recipient!

Photo Credit: Rug http://claire-marsh.com/sculpture/
Image of Noah Taken by I Spy Photography https://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Spy-Photography/219612748060806

No comments:

Post a Comment