To the man whose wife just pushed out his child from a ten centimeter hole in her body....(or underwent a massive surgical procedure!)

Having just delivered my second baby, I've been privy to many "mama talks and baby walks" with other moms, veteran or new. Stuff is shared. So men listen up, this is a compilation of dos and don'ts I've gathered from these conversations, that hopefully will help you along this hormone induced, sleep deprived, awesome journey you are on together.

1. Don't push the sex. After giving birth, the nether regions hurt for a while. Especially if any stitches were required. The thought of just taking the first shit after having a baby scares a woman...well, shitless. Although the doctor will usually give the thumbs up at six weeks post parteum, wait for the thumbs up from her. And don't give her any crap about it if she isn't ready. It's like being a virgin again. It's scary to think about, worrisome about the pain, and by all means the fear of pregnancy could be an issue. Most breastfeeding mamas don't want to go on birthcontrol due to milk supply issues. So DO be willing to wrap it up if she asks. 

2. DO notice if she's flirting, or giving any little advance in that way. If she's ready, she may be trying to get your attention. A woman may feel very unsure about herself and her body, so show your appreciation for it. Give compliments. Tell her she's beautiful. Make her feel sexy and wanted, and by all means if she initiates intimacy, do something about it. If you are nervous about having sex again, that's cool, but even if it's just a quick make out sesh, notice and respond. 

3. DO go out in the evenings after kid(s) are put to bed. Do meet the guys for a beer. Do get some time away. However, be sure to offer the same (equal) time to her. Yes that means you may have to bottle feed the baby, stay up late, rocking precious to sleep....etc. If you deserve time away, then so does she. That includes the sleeping in component, if you normally sleep in a bit after a night out, and she gets up with the baby in the morning...then if she has a late night, you let her sleep in too.

4. DO pitch in more at home. Do the dishes, vacuum, make some meals, do some laundry (not just your own...)

She's working round the clock and it's exhausting. 

5. DON'T ignore the baby when it starts crying for a few minutes in hopes that she will take care of it. It's your kid too! Pick them up, change a diaper, hold them...

6. DO find your own way of doing things that works for you. DON'T criticize her....when you say "hey watch his head," when she's holding him,  what she really wants to respond with is "Look here you jackass, I take care of this kid 24/7 while simultaneously running a household...oh ya, and the toddler too. Don't tell me how to hold this kid while I'm also trying to pour a sippy of milk, while cooking dinner." However, this goes both ways. Ladies, DON'T critique him for not doing things your way. Believe it or not, sometimes their way works too...or even better.

7. DO laugh and crack jokes. Sometimes things just get surreal. When yellow, runny, breast milk shit squirts like a rainbow arching through the air and lands on your partner while you are changing a diaper. Freaking laugh about it, otherwise you won't survive parenting very long. 

8. DO help in any way possible for her to get sleep. Sometimes that's being creative....with our first child my husband helped out by letting me go to bed as early as I could. Then he took the first shift. This time around he takes over the toddler who wants to climb in bed and has nightmares, and on his days off he makes sure I get to nap. Figure out what works for your situation, but be willing to sacrifice some of your sleep too. 

9. DON'T get pissy if she sits down to feed the baby, or pump milk, and then asks you to get her things, like water, or her phone, or a burp cloth....nursing/pumping is hard freaking work. It's exhausting. It's constant. She's not trying to treat you like a maid. It's just hard to remember everything when you are tired and the baby is screaming....and we are sure you aren't trying to treat her like a cow. Take care of her so she can take care of the baby.

10. DO buy her some kind of "push present." Not a 10 carat diamond, Beyoncé style...but get your baby mama a gift. Shoot Prince Charles gave Kate a Teddy bear. It doesn't have to be crazy, just thoughtful.

11. DO remember to take care of your marriage/relationship. It's easy to just focus on the kids, but you don't want to find yourself one day feeling like you have nothing together besides the kids. So, go out on dates, enjoy each other, remember what you have that's special. One day the kids will be grown and you'll only have each other. 

The Pole Vault: Standing by Your Partner

When I was a freshmen high school girl, I used to watch this senior boy during practice on the track and field. He was a pole vaulter. If you've never seen a person in real life,  not on TV while watching the Olympics, but in person, pole vault, it is truly a tremendous thing to see. Even the task of running at full speed down the laid out path, while holding a plastic pole three times your height strikes awe. The leg muscles bunch, and contract, lines form in the upper arms and forearms showing the strength of tendons. Then the pole touches ground, and seemingly in slow motion, his body would gracefully arch through the air. Legs, where the strongest muscles lie, leading first. He would be upside down for a second, then the rest of his body, twisting, would follow, head now above the rest, here comes the landing. A perfect vault would end with the measurement bar untouched, the pole softly hitting ground and the athlete landing softly on his back.

Little did I know, I would watch this boy turn to man, I would watch him over and over again, jump the highest of bars in life. I would see him use nothing but the strength of his own self to get over problem after problem, jump higher bars and higher bars. The thing about pole vaulting though....you fall many times. You knock over the hurdle. Sometimes you don't run fast enough to get the momentum to fling yourself over. Sometimes your body, your muscles are exhausted and the strength to pull yourself isn't there.

I'm on the sidelines. Watching. Fingers folded under my chin, I hold my breath as he attempts again. I will cheer him, no matter what. I am after all a cheerleader. I clap, cup my hands around my mouth and shout a positive accolade. "You can do it!" I exclaim.

Now as his wife, his life partner for the past 14 years, I have to remind myself....I can't get over that bar. I can't get him over it either. I can only encourage and support from over here.

When we married, we stood at the alter, we promised each other "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health." We've had plenty of the better and the health. It's easy during times like that. We've had plenty of the worse and sickness, too. Making it through infertility, was a challenge. It was hard. We both held onto the pole together, combining our strength, and having to time it just perfectly for us both to fling our legs over at the same time. We never would have gotten over it without both working together, it was a team effort. I will admit, his strength, his muscles did lots of work, but it was my determination, refusal to not give up, my ambition that kept it going until the task was accomplished.

I fear I've worn him out. I've taxed the muscles too much. We spent so long focusing on the one hurdle, the highest challenge, that we lost sight of the rest.

Now here we are, we have two beautiful children. Our time and energy has been focused on them. Our prize for the hard work. This mother, who used to be a cheerleader for just her man, now has a whole team. The weakest players are getting all her attention.

The raising of children does this to many partners in life. But as we shared in our vows the word of God, "I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body to be burned- but if I have no love, this does me no good. Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud, love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record  of wrongs. Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal." (1 Corinthians 13: 3-8)

Now we stand, we have another vault to make. You are older, your muscles not as spritely, your burden heavier. There has been some pride, some selfishness, some irritability, records of wrong doings have been hoarded inside. But it's time now, as we face the vault, we stand side by side. You holding the pole. The run looks long, the task looks too tall. We are weary. We know we have fallen plenty of times already. I'm going to let you run towards the bar, I'm going to stand here and watch. I'm going to cheer you on, I have faith, I have patience.

Super mom or super DAMN

Geckos. Apparently geckos are scary. They haunt the dreams of a toddler, which results in a 4:00 a.m. wake-up call to the already over exhausted mommy. An hour and 45 minutes later child one is asleep again, and child two in utero is kicking up a storm, creating feelings of hunger. Maslow's Hieracrchy of needs causes a battle between food or sleep. Which one do you want more tired mama?

Pregnancy is a wonderful and miraculous thing. I love bring pregnant. When carrying Noah I would stand in front of the mirror looking at my belly and imagine what he would look like. I would sit in the chair I planned to rock him to sleep in, and spend hours preparing his room and washing his little clothes. I made hats and booties and an elaborate blanket. I scrapbooked his ultrasound photos right away. I spent all my time falling in love with him and marveling over the wondrous miracle of life.

Little brother....I'm so sorry. Here we are, half way through....you have a quarter of a blanket, I haven't read a single book to prepare for your coming, have no idea if you will get a nursery or if your bassinet will be by my bed until you move in with big brother. Oh bassinet....yeah...that's somewhere in the garage still. I know it will come together but I can't figure out how or when! Time seems to be gallivanting along. 

Between full time graduate degree, full time employment, and full time motherhood...the hood is falling apart, the mother is wilting of exhaustion, the schooling and work is happening in a stress colored fog...and geckos would probably make me cry right now too.

The mommy guilt is all consuming. I feel guilty that little brother isn't getting the same thoughtful devotion, I feel guilty that Noah gets a too-tired-to-play mom who can't offer the same focus and attention he is used to. This is my attempt to get over the guilt and find peace with where it's at right now. I hope I'm not the only "pregnant with a toddler" mama who feels this way! Can you relate?

1. There's a load of clothes in the wash since Sunday that never got switched to the dryer....um...probably because there is a load in the dryer too

- I'm grateful to have a washing machine and dryer!

2. There are two days worth dishes piled in the sink. 

-Evidence of the food we have to eat. 

3. TV time has become "most of the time"....when we finally get home I just need to sit! 

-Noah is learning about all kinds of worldly things....like the food chain....and how geckos eat the ants.

4. I can't think of one new thing I've learned in my current graduate class. 

-My masters degree is half way done.

5. I sneak candy and cookies to eat when Noah isn't looking.

-He won't end up with silver caps.

6. Going to the grocery store counts as going for a walk. 

7. I've seriously considered using the gym just for the locker room. Then I could shower and shave, and all that jazz while Noah is in the child care play room.

-Call it social-emotional learning.

8. Kick counting? Amount of protein eaten counting? How many weeks/days pregnant counting? Gaining weight counting? 

-Nope. Nope. Pretty sure 21 weeks now. And nope.

9. Childbirth classes and breathing exercises....

-I'm pretty sure labor the first time happened the way it was going to happen regardless of how great I was at breathing. I don't know, maybe I'll reread some info about birthing before we get to that point. 

10. If I have a productive day, I feel like Super Mom, but the minute I get home I can't wait for bedtime. Isn't it 7:45 yet? Damn. Super Damn. 

First exit: Infertility Scarlet Letter vs. School Insurance Board

Squeezing into panty hose, a suit and skirt, was not easy with my quickly changing body as I progress through this much coveted pregnancy....but I took one for the team folks. As I stated in my last blog post, I am exiting Infertility Highway, (click here to read) but am not leaving behind my community of "fertility challenged" friends. I have had a quiet, but not-so-secret, plan of action brewing for some time to propose to the Washoe County School District insurance board that infertility treatment should be covered in our benefits. As a teacher for over 10 years, I spent 7 of those years struggling to conceive. Months of research, information and resource gathering has led me to stand in front of the school board room with 20 or so stoic faces staring back at me. Displayed on the projector was research, and my proposal, while carried in my voice was all the professionalism I could muster. I had to tamp down the urge to scream and stomp my feet or burst into an emotional monologue, but all went well. I was the best presenter I could be at that moment in time. I provided excellent resources and reasons and with the help of many others, supplied a collection of heartfelt letters. These letters told the stories of many other teachers among us who have suffered the pain and financial burden of infertility.

Fact:

• 1/8 people suffer from infertility
• WCSD has ~ 8,000 insured employees
• Infertility is recognized as a medical disease
• Reproduction is considered by law a "Major Life Activity"
• Infertility affects health, physically, socially and emotionally

 The members of the board politely listened, seemingly engaged in the content, asked several questions afterwards....but honestly I have no idea what they were thinking. Zero feedback. I walked out with the Doctor, our very own Dr. Scott Whitten, and thanked him for supporting me, and answering questions. I'm left now wondering if I made a difference, hoping I started a conversation that will continue, and knowing I couldn't have done any more or any better. 

My hopes are that others reading this may find the encouragement to go to their employers as well. We are in an era that is on the cusp of major change. However, that change won't happen without more pushing. There are currently 15 states in the U.S. that require some amount of insurance coverage for this disease. Most other developed countries require coverage. 

In my preparation for this presentation I found many intriguing pieces of information. 

 There are several employers in the Reno area that offer infertility coverage. I tried to confirm these all, but unless I got the information from an employee I couldn't confirm it. Proprietary information I was told. If you have more information about companies that cover treatment, I'd love to hear from you! Please contact me so I can update this list.

1. IGT- unlimited coverage at 100% (confirmed).

2. Microsoft- coverage at 90% (confirmed). 

3. Mars Pet Food- factory outside of Fernley- (unconfirmed)

4. Harley Davidson (unconfirmed)

5. Private insurance through Nevada Health covers Intrauterine inseminations (unconfirmed). 

6. Frito Lay (unconfirmed)

This information is important to me because while trying to conceive I was actively hunting for a new job that either would pay enough in salary for me to afford out-of-pocket expenses, or a company that provides coverage. How sad is that? I was looking at choosing between the job I love, teaching children...and having my own children.

Fortunately, Baby Quest Foundation (Click Here) saved me from that choice.  I hope that the school district can find a way to offer treatment so other teachers experiencing infertility will have options that don't mean leaving the profession. We have enough struggles maintaining an adequate teaching force as it is. 

My challenge to you all is this...Advocate! Go to your employers, put this on their radar. Let's start a new trend, a grassroots, an organic effort for impactful change. We have to stand up for ourselves, and our friends. Infertility can feel shameful and embarrassing, but if it's not us asking for ourselves, then who will? Please share this with anyone you know suffering infertility. 

I wear the scarlet letter "I" on my chest. Wear it with me.

Free Birds: A New Year's Resolution

Silvery threads of steel wove together, connecting at geometrical angles, strengthening the web. It stretched from one wall to the staircase blocking my entrance from the front door into my home. Plotting on a solution my eyes cast left and right, up and down. Creatures were stuck and tangled in the intricate patterns. A bird up high was wrapped in a silk cocoon, lifeless, no chance there. However, I saw several others fluttering, pulling, anxious for help to break free. A duck yanked, using it's bill for leverage. The vile eight legged creatures were strategically crawling upwards, the duck in their sights. I panicked. Grabbing a section of web I lunged and twisted, spiders fell on the hardwood below. My laced tenny's worked with a mind of their own squashing upon sight. I pulled through the silver blockade, freeing birds as their ropes of captivity tore around them.


Strange dreams often leave me considering the implications. Awaking this morning, the first day of a New Year, this dream hanging onto my conscious I reflect on the previous year and what is in store ahead. 2015 was one of the most difficult years I've faced(Click here to read the beginning of our story). Loss, grief, pain, dreams falling apart, a struggle to survive....however, it did end with me breaking through, though some of my hopes were strangled beyond help, others are light on the feathery wings of flying birds.

My resolution is to enjoy those flying birds. I have a baby bird nesting in my womb. We have made it to week 16, into the 2nd trimester, the safety zone. The pregnancy is going well, the wee one flutters around and reassures me. I'm falling in love with Noah, my first born, all over again, as I watch him develop a love for this new baby.
 I'm falling in love with Chris all over again too as I see him working so hard to be the best father and husband he can be. I'm a lucky girl to have two awesome guys in my life who love me. Our new little bird is blessed to have such love waiting for their arrival.

13 week ultrasound photos

I've been seeing on facebook all morning, my friends posting "Happy New Year tributes" with mentions that they hope 2016 is a better year for them. It's a reminder that my year wasn't the only tough one out there. We all have our times of entanglement. My hope for all is that you too will find the strength to free your birds. Let those that have hung in there fly away from their constraints. Get help pulling down the web that has you stuck in the entryway of a new place, a place of comfort, or a new opportunity. You have loved ones that want you to thrive and fly. Here's to 2016, a year of breaking out of snares, tackling goals, and recovering from capture.

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. 

For the belly fanatics; 16 week belly

"Bird's Eye View" 

Hold My Hand to The End of Infertility Highway

My hands felt clammy and fidgety. I laid on the exam table, legs in the stirrups. I was thinking about how funny I looked wearing dress socks with a paper blanket on my lap and nothing else. My brain had been playing these games for days. Think about anything else...

We faked at small talk for a moment while waiting for the ultrasound screen to announce the results. Do we still have a living baby? Although my conscious had been actively ignoring less than perfect thoughts, I knew my subconscious was screaming in fear. 9 weeks, this is where things went badly last time. My dreams the night before left me checking my teeth in the morning. My anxiety dreams commonly showcase my teeth crumbling and falling out. 

I feel Chris' hand grasp mine, I'm not sure if he is reassuring me or getting ready to protect me, but I hold on tightly. Having his hand in mine calms me. I think about how every step of the way, he has held me, loved me through this. I know I can make it, as long as we have each other.

The black screen starts to show an image....suddenly the image flips around like fish flopping on the line. Movement! Our baby was moving, seemingly turning towards us to say "hello." Soon we captured the rhythmic sound of a heartbeat like waves crashing against the shore, a beat of the new song we will dance to as a family of four. With a perfect report from the doctor, a shiny new due date, and a bright future ahead we celebrate an end and a new beginning and welcome you in rejoicing with us.

 Three more weeks of needles and syringes, the last vestiges of our walk along Infertility Highway. Along the way we met so many on the journey as well, we gathered supporters on the sidelines cheering us on, crying for us and with us. Thank you so much to those cheerleaders. We love you.

 We will not have to walk this road again for ourselves. However, these bumps and turns and ruts are so familiar, so much a part of our lives and what has shaped who we are. I will gladly walk the road holding the hands of another woman, another man, who are on it and feeling alone. Please reach for this hand if you need it. (Click here to read the last blog post).

Isaiah 41:13

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.

Is it one or two?

When I was a child I had strange urges to do 'risky' things. I jumped into Lake Tahoe fully clothed a number of times, much to my father's dismay as it required him to jump in and save me. I discovered I liked the thrill of doing these things. One obsession I had was 9 volt batteries and the shock they gave my tongue when I pressed it to the end of the charge. I would hold the battery, knowing what it would do to me, hesitant to experience it, but simultaneously anxious for the adrenaline driven decision to just do it!

I felt the same way heading into the doctor's office for our seven week ultrasound. My thoughts splintered into fractions. Part of me was excited at the prospect of finally knowing Will it be one or two? Another part of me was relentlessly scared. I was worried if I was really still pregnant. Would there even be a heartbeat? The joy and excitement that ultrasounds used to hold for me has been stripped away with the past grief, but I knew we just had to do it to find out what our future held in store for us. The idea of twins had grown fondly between Chris and I. We anxiously hoped the Lord would grant us with whatever blessings he could.

Going into the room, my confident facade was stripped down with my clothing. I held Chris' hand as the nurse practitioner asked me questions about how I've been feeling. No throwing up, not much nausea, but a couple of gag reflexes....I've been so worried about the lack of these symptoms. Worried it meant there was nothing really there.
My concerns were assuaged immediately when we saw the flicker of white among the pixelated image appearing on the screen. A heartbeat. Just one. But it was there, and it was strong.
Happiness and disappointment intermingled before being overcome by relief.

I still have a pregnancy. I have one beautiful heartbeat. For today I can release the worry. I have 2 weeks until the next peek inside. The nine week ultrasound is where things went south last time, so these two weeks will be difficult and slow. Many women have expressed to me about how the joy of pregnancy is stolen after miscarriage. The whole duration is wrought with fear and anxiety that at any moment things can go wrong. I didn't quite understand until now. I hope I won't have my tongue applied to the end of a 9 volt for this entire pregnancy. I don't want a thrilling ride, or the shock of frigid water to my system. I want a nice, calm, no need for adrenaline, sit on the front porch and watch the world kind of pregnancy.
(Click here to read the last blog).

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. -Psalm 112:7